Do you need counselling?
All relationships go through difficult times , it's how you handle those times that makes the difference between staying together and splitting up.
As counsellors we rarely hear the complaint "It's too early for our relationship!" More often, what we hear is: "We've tried everything and counselling is our last resort."
Far too many couples leave counselling until it's too late. By the time of their first appointment, years of bitterness and resentment have built up and the fear of being hurt severely affects the chance for change.
If you're experiencing any of the following, now is the time to consider counselling:
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When you talk to your partner, it feels as though you're hitting a brick wall.
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Your conversations just go round and round in never-ending circles.
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After you've talked, you feel frustrated and confused.
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You can't talk for more than a few minutes without it turning into a shouting match.
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You're afraid that if you bring up a certain subject, things will get even worse.
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There's nothing left to say.
Ideally, it would be helpful to go to counselling together: it's hard to build a team if only half the players are there. Often, if one person makes the decision to give counselling a try, the partner will decide to go too.
If your partner flatly refuses to join you, there are lots of things counselling can help you sort out on your own. There may be changes you can make alone that will have a positive impact on your relationship. Some people also prefer to have counselling on their own at first to work out their feelings before seeing another counsellor as a couple.
All counsellors have their own styles and ways of working. You can choose to see us face-to-face or speak via telephone or email. We also offer creative arts and therapeutic exercises in addition to talking and will help you to work through the following three steps:
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Exploring your story - the nature of the problems and what impact they're having on you and your relationship. The history of how the problems arose and what changes you'd like to see.
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Understanding your story - why you're struggling with these problems and the things that may be preventing you from overcoming them.
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Rewriting your story - finding the strengths and resources to resolve your difficulties, or at least make them more bearable.
First and foremost, counselling works by giving you the chance to be heard. Wewill give you all the time you need to talk, sob, shout or just think. It's an opportunity to look at the problem in a different way with someone who'll respect and encourage your opinions and decisions.
For many couples, the solution is right under their noses - it just takes someone objective to see what it is. It's like the saying "You can't see the wood for the trees" - we are trained wood-spotters!
It's hard to measure if counselling is effective, but it's an industry that's rapidly growing as more and more people discover the benefits for themselves. If you haven't considered relationship counselling before, please don't leave it until it's too late.
The three outcomes of couples' counselling
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Lump it - for some reason change isn't possible, but you decide there's enough good stuff worth staying together for.
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Leave it - you or your partner can't or won't change and you decide to split up.
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Change it - you decide to alter the situation and work together at making your relationship better.
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We are conceived in relationship, born in relationship and raised in relationship. It is in relationship that our needs are met- or not. It is relationship that we get hurt and it is in relationship that we must be healed. As social animals, this is our nature.
Although it is often necessary to seek solitude as an aspect of healing, it is never in solitude that we can be fully healed. We must always come back to relationship to be whole.
As dependant infants, the fulfilment of our needs must be delivered to us by our parents of primary care givers. If this relationship is flawed, the injury- and adjustments to that injury- create patterns that repeat into adulthood in an attempt to fulfil the needs were not met. Children with emotionally distant parents will often repeat that pattern by finding them selves attracted to emotionally distant partners . Though they are not able to get what they need from these substitutes, there is something compelling about these distant people- something very familiar. The child never had their parents, but the pattern they did have was the struggle.
For better of for worse, our childhood patterns are imprinted into our brains and bodies and those patterns continue into our adult relationships in the form of unconscious behaviours. We are unaware that many of the ways we act are due to the triggering of old imprints by present situations.
If we grew up in the the emptiness of a life with a distant parent, our imprints may project themselves as the unconscious expectation that others will be this way. We may react to this projection by attempting to change of fix the partner/parent and finally get the intimacy our bodies long for. We are basically transferring our childhood needs onto others with the expectation of those people meeting these needs.
If both parties are unaware of these dynamics it is no wonder that relationships are often a disaster. When our stuff gets triggered by our partners behaviour we can "act out" (express it), or "act in" (hold it within our bodies). Both of these options can create problems if not dealt with in a safe and constructive way. On the other hand if both parties are aware that much of their behaviour is driven by earlier roots the relationship can begin to move forward and mend.
To heal these old wounds we must take responsibility for the fact that they do not originate in us but that, as imprints they do reside in us now. To heal, we must own our feelings- admit that they are ours and work with them.
Recognising that both parties invariably bring some of their old stuff into every conflict-every one, is essential.
It always takes two to tango, having the awareness of unresolved needs and pain allows genuine compassion to arise both in ourselves as well as others. We understand better why we do the things we do. If we can see and feel the innocent and hurting child within us we can longer wage war with our selves and others.
