Marriage

Most of us need help facing difficult issues in our marriage at some point, either from a friend, co worker, other family member etc

These might be:-

• Lack of direction
• Financial pressures
• Extended family interference
• Lack of understanding
• No shared interests
• Boredom
• Staleness in the relationship
• Business issues
• Difference over children
• No communication
• No fun!

There are far too many issues in a complex relationship such as a marriage/ co-habiting to go into on our web site, here are some essential things which may help you uncover a better or more constructive way forward.

1. Accept that change happens.  Neither time nor people stand still.  If you want something to change, then change something.  If your relationship is flagging, you have to do something to renew it.
2. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.  If you really have fallen out of love with someone, tell them.Don’t prolong the agony or raise expectations falsely.    Talk about the tough stuff.  Facing up to sensitive problems is half the challenge – you can then talk and deal with them.
3. Play together, stay together.  Set aside some fun, quality time for yourselves together.  Make sure your marriage is your most important project, not mundane tasks like DIY. 
4. Only the two of you really understand your relationship. The support of other people can be helpful but try not to be consumed by their opinions, advice and suggestions. 
5. Continue the courtship. Try to remember the reasons you were attracted to each other in the first place. 
6. Have a shared goal to work towards.  Focus on what you can achieve as a team rather than as individuals – it reminds you of the power of togetherness.
7. Negotiate the money minefield.  If you’re able to agree a reasonable approach to money, it can save a lot of underlying tension within the relationship.
8. Let go of resentment.  It’s easier said than done, but it’s absolutely crucial to find a way of moving on from issues that have affected your past.
9. Argue well.  Arguments are part of every relationship so turn them into a positive lesson in communication.  Agree to disagree and realise there doesn’t need to be a ‘winner’ at the end of every discussion.


Marriage counselling: Working through relationship problems

Illness, infidelity, sex, anger, communication problems — all can contribute to distress in marriages or other relationships.

Marriage counselling or couples counselling can help resolve conflicts and heal wounds.

Your spouse comes home from work, makes a beeline for the liquor cabinet and then sulks off silently. You haven't

had a real conversation for weeks. A few arguments over money or late nights out, sure, but no heart-to-hearts. Sex? What's that?

Your marriage is on the rocks, and you both know it. But you aren't sure how to fix things — or if you really want to.

It may be time for marriage counselling which can help you rebuild your relationship and can help you understand your relationship better and make well-thought-out decisions.

What is marriage counselling?

Marriage counselling, also called couples therapy, helps couples — married or not — understand and resolve conflicts or improve their relationship, it  gives couples the tools to communicate better, negotiate differences, problem solve and even argue in a healthier way.

Marriage counselling  can short-term. You may need only a few sessions to help you weather a crisis. Or you may need marriage counselling for several months, particularly if your relationship has greatly deteriorated. As with individual psychotherapy, you typically see a marriage counsellor once a week.

Who can benefit from marriage counselling?

Most marriages and other relationships aren't perfect. Each person brings his or her own ideas, values, opinions and personal history into a relationship, and they don't always match the partner's. Those differences don't necessarily mean your relationship is bound for strife. To the contrary, differences can be complementary — you know the saying about opposites attract. These differences can also help people understand, respect and accept opposing views and cultures.

But relationships can be tested. Differences or habits that you once found endearing may now grate on your nerves. Sometimes specific issues, such as an extramarital affair, trigger conflict in a relationship. Other times, there's a gradual disintegration of communication and caring.

No matter the cause, distress in a relationship can create undue stress, tension, sadness, worry, fear and other problems. You may hope your relationship troubles just go away on their own. But left to fester, a bad relationship may only worsen and eventually lead to physical or psychological problems, such as depression. A bad relationship also can create problems on the job and affect other family members, such as children, or your friendships as people feel compelled to take sides.

Marriage counselling can benefit you if you or your partner are dealing with any of these issues or situations that can cause stress in a relationship:

1. Infidelity
2. Divorce
3. Substance abuse
4. Physical or mental conditions
5. Same-sex relationship issues
6. Cultural clashes
7. Finances
8. Unemployment
9. Blended families
10. Communication problems
11. Sexual difficulties
12. Conflicts about child rearing
13. Infertility
14. Anger
15. Changing roles, such as retirement

Marriage counselling may also be of help in cases of domestic violence or abuse. However, if the abuse or violence has escalated to the point that you fear for your safety or your children's, consider contacting the police or a local shelter or crisis centre. Don't rely only on marriage counselling.

You don't need to have a troubled relationship to seek therapy. Marriage counselling can also help couples who simply want to strengthen their bonds and gain a better understanding of each other. It can help couples who plan to marry — ironing out differences before a union is sealed.

How does marriage counselling work?

Marriage counselling typically brings couples or partners together for joint therapy sessions. The counsellor helps couples pinpoint and understand the source of their conflicts and try to resolve them. You and your partner will analyse both the good and bad parts of your relationship. The counsellor would not take sides in the disputes.

Marriage counselling may help you learn skills to solidify relationships, such as communicating openly, problem solving together and discussing differences rationally. In some cases, such as mental illness or substance abuse, we may work with your other health care professionals to provide a complete spectrum of treatment. As you go through you may learn to be more accepting and tolerant of differences.

Talking about your problems  may not be easy. Sessions may pass in silence as you and your partner seethe over perceived wrongs. Or you may bring your fights with you, yelling and arguing during sessions. Both are OK. We can act as mediator or referee and help you cope with the emotions and turmoil.

You may find your relationship improving after just a few sessions. On the other hand, you may ultimately discover that your differences truly are irreconcilable and that it's best to end your relationship once every conceivable avenue is examined.

What if your partner refuses to attend counselling sessions? You can go on your own. It may be more challenging, of course, to patch up relationships when only one partner is willing to go to therapy. But you can still benefit by learning more about your reactions and behaviour in the relationship.